Anyone who ever said that marriage was easy and full of bliss was likely still on their honeymoon. Or they were single. Living with someone, anyone, for your entire life can be very difficult, period. Think about all the fighting you did with your siblings or your college roommates. Why would anyone think that putting a man and a woman in a house with stressors like a mortgage, kids, and families, would bring about a peaceful existence? There is no sugar coating it – marriage is so hard!
Although no two couples ever have the exact same issue, we tend to share similar themes that make us fall off of the bliss wagon. And if you know what those reasons are, then it might help you to get through the rough times with a forewarning, a plan to deal with it, and a better understanding and empathy for your mate.
12 Reasons why Marriage is so Hard
1. Your Decisions are no longer yours alone
The best part of being an adult is, undoubtedly, not having to check with anyone, and doing what you want, when you want – within reason of course. When you are married, all of those things that you would just pick up and do single, now have to be run by someone else for approval.
It can be hard to lose your sense of independence, especially for guys. It can start to feel like control. Nothing is harder on a marriage than a person who refuses to be responsible or accountable for taking on their fair share and being transparent in what they are doing. So if you aren’t willing to give a little to get a lot, that is going to put a huge strain on your nuptials.
2. You see things differently
No matter how much of a match made in heaven you are, you will always be two different people. That means you were raised differently and with a predisposed idea of how things are done. That can lead to a lot of strife when you don’t agree about fundamental things like spending money and child-rearing.
Sure, you can discuss those things ahead of time, but your partner will always, on occasion, do things differently. Sometimes it can lead to resentment. The key is not to assume intention in your partner’s actions.
They likely didn’t do what they did just to piss you off; they did what they did because they saw the situation differently. Instead of confronting them with anger, approach them with the desire to hear what their side of the story is. Start by asking why they did what they did.
3. Kids are nothing more than miniature terrorists
Raising children is one of the toughest jobs that you will ever have as an adult. Not only are they hard to deal with on an emotional and sleep-deprived level; they are highly manipulative by nature. And they know exactly how to play you to get what they want, intentional or not. As a husband and wife raising kids, if you aren’t on the same team about everything, kids will divide and conquer.
And before you know it, you are no longer upset with your child, the shift has been made to arguing with your spouse. My suggestion to you, after living in the trenches for decades, is never to disagree or override the decision of one parent. You don’t always have to agree, but don’t talk about your issues within earshot.
As a parent, you have to back up your spouse, grit your teeth, and decide if it is important to bring up later when little ears aren’t listening. They will eat you, and your marriage, alive. NEVER negotiate with terrorists, or children, they are one and the same.
4. Compromise is not easy
Compromising is a skill that you learn as you get older, but not an easy one. We are all born with the same self-preservation gene that can make us, well, selfish. A marriage takes a whole lot of compromise on both sides.
And if you tend to both be somewhat dominant and unyielding, you are going to spend more time fighting about who is right than finding happiness together. Although it is hard to sit around and watch another episode of Band of Brothers, he probably didn’t want to watch Bridgerton either. You have to take turns and let them have one sometimes to keep things way less resentful and tense.
5. Stress fucking SUCKS
It is hard enough to live with another human being when you have your own life to deal with. A marriage is like being on an island all by yourselves. Things like late bills, long hours at work, and sick children, can really push you over the edge. And when you are on edge, it doesn’t take much for your mate to piss you off and ruin your day.
Also, stress tends to up the angst and anger that someone has. Often, we don’t have anywhere to deposit it. As mature individuals, we are supposed to keep things inside and swallow them, especially in power positions. The likely candidate you will explode on is your spouse. Because you consider them your “safe zone” and expect unconditional love, they are often the people who get the blowback of your entire shitty week all in one fell swoop. And, seemingly for nothing at all.
When your partner loses his ever-loving shit, don’t take it personally or think that he was trying to take you out. He probably couldn’t just take it anymore. Being a healthy couple means that you have to have thick shoulders sometimes to absorb things that maybe you should, or maybe you shouldn’t, be the target of.
6. Men and women just differ
When a man and a woman decide to marry, there are built-in gender differences that are there for the survival of the species. But that can take its toll on us, now that we are evolved and not all about instincts.
There is still a desire for most women to build a happy home, gatherers, and men to protect and supply the home, hunters. That can have us doing things and seeing things in very different lights. It can sometimes feel like you are living in two different worlds, and for all practical terms, you are.
Just remember, as hard as it is for you to understand what he is thinking, what you are thinking is probably a bigger mystery, and one that they probably won’t take the time to analyze. Most guys are not deep thinkers, and simply take things at face value. That can feel very dismissive to a woman who is an overthinker and constantly dealing with forethought and consequences.
7. Those little idiosyncrasies are no longer cute. In fact, they are a pain in the ass!
Remember when the way he used to snore in his sleep was cute back in the day? Now that you have kids, work, and the sleeping hours are more precious than ever before, his snoring is not so cute. All of the things that we tend to ignore when dating, because they don’t really have time to get under our skin, are magnified, and become a MAJOR deal when you live with someone day in and out.
One of the hardest things to do is to stop yourself. If you were okay with it when you were dating, did you think that they were somehow going to change? If he didn’t work overtime when you first got together, did you think that marrying you was going to overhaul his laid-back personality?
Before you go to town and get upset, remember you chose to marry him the way that he is, so you can’t now expect that he is going to completely transform to be who you want him to be. And if he was, let’s be honest, are you sure that is what you really want?
8. Their sweet nature starts to fade
When you were dating, he used to send you cute little text messages throughout the day. Now, you can’t even get him to answer your text messages, and he has turned off his read sign. There needs to be a certain level of respect in a relationship and boundaries that can’t be crossed, but sometimes it is the little things that you love so much that disappear that hurt the most.
Our sweet, patient, and kind side, can get sidetracked when there have been ugly things said or done, trust has been broken, or feelings have been hurt leading, over time, to resentment. As a marriage grows, sometimes we can start to build shields around ourselves out of rejection and hurt. And the thicker the shield is, the harder it is to find the magic and true intimacy that you once shared. If you stop and try to reverse it, you might start to see your guy’s sweet side return.
9. A lifetime seems like no big deal when you say “I do”
You both said “I do,” and I am sure you did. But what married couples soon find out is that during phases of your marriage you might love them, but you do not like them very much. And till death do us part can start to feel like running a marathon you no longer want to participate in.
But what is the alternative? Sure, you can give up. But you did all this training and committed to everyone. Or, you can just keep on trucking along hoping that the end is near. At times when a lifetime can seem like a ball and chain, remember that your spouse is probably running alongside in the marathon, just as tired, just as fed up, and wanting to quit as much as you do.
Hand Them a Cup of Water!
And if you were running a marathon and they handed you something as insignificant as a cup to tied you over and say “we are in this together” the marathon would probably feel less alone and daunting. So when you start to feel like you want to give up and walk away or worry that they do – give them a cup of water to tied them over until they, or you, get your second wind and want to make it over the finish line together again.
10. You don’t just marry your spouse – you marry their friends and family
Have you ever looked really close up at the way families relate to one another and thank God you aren’t a part of that shit show? When you marry someone, you become a part of their family drama, like it or not. Once more, you might become the main event if your mother-in-law makes things difficult or meddles.
Marrying someone means that you combine all aspects of your lives, extended family, friends, and all. If you don’t maintain a united front, just like children, in-laws and besties can eat your marriage apart, make you form unhealthy alliances, and really get in there to fuck shit up. The best way to tackle extended people is to realize they are extended.
Agreeing to Disagree is not Cowering – it is Respecting Differences
A marriage is supposed to be when two people become one. That means they think like one or at least agree to agree, and they have a united front that can’t be torn apart and manipulated. When you leave your parents to marry each other, you leave your parent’s control, and your obligation is now to your spouse and your children.
Parents no longer have control over your decisions or even a say. If you let them, and let them become a priority over your spouse, you are going to go down a very quick and ugly rabbit hole that you might not be able to come back from.
11. Venting is natural – but not always constructive
When you live with someone day in and out, you are going to have some pent-up anger and frustration with them. There is a difference between venting and just annihilating your spouse. Telling your best friend that your wife or husband is being a bitch is completely different than telling them that your wife is a bitch, over and over.
Once you lay the seeds of negativity, you have tainted the way that your friends and your family see your significant other. And that puts more stress and negative energy than you have any idea. If you are going to vent, choose one person, and choose what you say wisely.
Being angry with your wife is different from telling people bad things about her or labeling her in a way that will forever alter how they see her. It isn’t a good or healthy road to go down. We all do it, just temper it because it is one of the biggest reasons why marriage can become so hard.
12. You said until death do us part, but in today’s world that doesn’t mean much
There is a theory that is probably not very popular anymore about marriage being like burning your ship. Back in the days of Spanish explorers, a Spanish captain had 200 men aboard to travel to a new land. After a severely harsh journey across the ocean, the boat fleet finally reached land.
As the boat crew made their way to shore, they quickly turned around to see that the captain who had steered them to the strange land, had started all of their ships on fire. They stood on the shore, flabbergasted, knowing they had no way out – make it or die trying.
Are you Willing to Burn Your Ship?
That is the way that marriage used to be viewed, good or bad. There was a time when people got married and took steps to make it through the good times and not so good out of commitment – they burned their ship. Divorce is not only more acceptable, it has become a viable alternative to hard times.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe there are many times when staying in a marriage is harmful to everyone. But if we all took the approach, in a healthy relationship, to commit to getting along because there is no other alternative, maybe marriage wouldn’t be so hard. It would be what it was – what it is.
Marriage is undoubtedly one of the hardest things that two people can enter into. Sure, it seems like a great idea when passion is still hot, kids aren’t involved, and playing house seems like a really fun thing to do. But after time, kids, bills, stress, boredom, animosity, an unwillingness to forgive, and sheer exhaustion you can start to wonder if it is all worth it.
Reasons Marriage is so Hard – It Just is…
When I see that rare 80-year-old couple holding hands and walking down the street, or I go to a fiftieth wedding anniversary where there are kids and grandkids and they are still together after all those decades, I have to potentially think that they hit many a rough spell, but persevered, came to each other with kindness, didn’t accuse or hold grudges, forgave, truly forgave, and enjoyed the good times while downplaying the not so good ones.
Undoubtedly, marriage is hard as fuck, but it is supposed to be.
And it is also not something to enter into lightly. But in the end, having that one person who has your back, and you have theirs, is a rare and wonderful place to be.
