I don’t want to stereotype, but I am going to – women tend to overthink things way more than their male counterparts. I attribute it to genetic factors built in that have conditioned us to keep the species alive by having forethought. But when that forethought transitions into overthought, it can do a whole lot of damage to your psyche and your relationship. And overthinking in a relationship can do way more harm than good!
As hard as it is sometimes to just take things at face value, you can’t imagine how liberating it is to not think about things too much! If you are tired of overthinking everything from what you ate for breakfast to the fact that you should have said “excuse me” louder at the grocery store when you needed to get past, then try these tools to help you stop the churn and accept things for what they are.
Ways to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship
Men Aren’t Typically Deep Thinkers
One of the reasons that our species has survived as long as it has is due to a woman’s intuition and forethought. We have this uncanny ability to look at a situation and almost immediately know how things are going to workout. But that often means we tend to see the worst case scenario to prevent people from getting hurt and things going South. If you are someone who is even more intuitive than others, that can wreak havoc on your love life.
On the other hand, men aren’t really great at anticipating outcomes, especially of the heart. When your guy is silent or distant, it is easy to get bogged down and think that he is planning a break or that he just isn’t into you anymore. The sad reality is that he probably isn’t considering you at all (and not in a bad way), men just think about things at face value. If they have something to say, they typically won’t mull around with it, they will just say so.
Instead of assuming the worst, if your guy is distant, wait it out and assume that if there is something wrong he will let you know. The hardest thing to realize is that you have no control over anyone but yourself. So no matter what you did, what is meant to happen is going to happen. Your insistence of asking questions and “getting to the bottom” of his poor mood is probably doing way more damage to both of you than good.
No one Judges you Harsher Than Your Inner Voice
Our inner voice can be a real lifesaver and save us from hazards in our life, but for someone prone to anxiety, your inner voice can be your very worst enemy and nightmare! If you ever want to hear the worst criticism, just listen to your inside voice. You inner voice is there to protect you and keep you safe, but it also tends to present the negative side of things, judge the harshest, and anticipate the worst.
When self-doubt and negative self-talk starts to creep in, take a hold and dismiss it. It is okay to acknowledge your inner voice just make sure to challenge its validity and walk through the entire scenario to make sure that it isn’t misleading you or needlessly taking you down an anxiety ridden path for no reason!
People are Basically Pretty Self-Centered
I used to get so wrapped up in whether people liked me, whether I made a good impression, if I hurt someone’s feeling unwittingly with what I said and worrying about whether people like me. The truth is that most people rarely think about you five minutes after you are out of sight.
Whatever you said might have left an impression with you, recounting it over and over, but I can almost guarantee that the person you are concerning yourself with, is not concerned at all about you. I hate to say that people are selfish, but we are. Our worlds pretty much revolve around us, so no one is wasting their time thinking about what you did, whether you like them, or something you said.
Try to resist the temptation to think that you have to worry about what other people, especially your significant other, thinks about you. If you have unconditional love, they might not always like you, but they love you. And sorry to say, if they don’t, then it is time to find someone who does!
There is no Use in Worrying About Things you Can’t do Anything About
One of the hardest things to realize is that you have no control over the actions and words of anyone but yourself. Although it can also be very freeing to someone who tends to overthink things. When you start to worry about what someone thinks of you, consider that all of your energy and emotion won’t do a bit of good to control their feelings. And if they are upset or angry with you, then that is on them, not you.
You can’t take responsibility for what people feel. If you did something wrong, say you are sorry. If they won’t accept it, it is no longer your problem, it is a weight they have to carry solo. You need to forgive yourself, move along, and let them do what they have to do.
Leave the Past in the Past
The best thing about the past is that it is in the past — behind you. Sitting around recanting it, thinking about it, mulling over it, wishing you hadn’t isn’t going to change it, it is done. No matter how many ways you try to spin it or reconcile it, you aren’t going to be able to undo it or take it back.
All you can do is try harder to be who you want to be and do things that you are proud of and make you feel good. If you continue to carry around a backpack of all of your grievances, things you’ve done, things that have been done to you, then you aren’t free yourself and live your best life. What ever it is that is holding you back, be like Elsa and “let it go”. The quicker you move on, the fewer scars you will carry!
If People Have a Problem With You, it is Exactly That – Their Problem
Again, if someone has a problem with you, that is their problem and their problem alone! Holding onto grudges is something that hurts the person who has them, not the person that the grudge is angled toward. The truth is that you can be the most loving, kind, sweet, generous person in the world and there will STILL be someone out there who doesn’t like you.
And others that will resent you for being perfect and insist it isn’t real. The key to finding peace in your heart and in your mind is to learn to love yourself. And if you are alright with you, your actions and what is in your heart, stop trying to convince others. You owe no one but yourself, so be you, apologetically (unless you hurt someone – then it is okay to apologize!).
Every Minute is a New Start
Hey, we all fail. Failing is a part of learning and without it you can’t ever grow as a person. When you do something stupid, say something you don’t mean, get into a situation where you didn’t behave exactly as you wished, just know that every minute you are alive is a new minute to start again.
People will come and go out of your life for various reasons, it is just how the world is. If you lose someone, someone else will step in to take their place — that is a guarantee. So instead of sitting around overthinking it and trying to make it better, let the past be in the past and consider every new minute an opportunity to be a better version of you than the minute before.
If you Say Sorry and Mean it Then You’ve Done All That you Can
The only resource that you have when you have done something wrong is to apologize and mean it. If someone doesn’t want to accept your apology, it isn’t your responsibility to beg or belittle yourself to make them. Forgiveness is a part of being a friend, and also being in a relationship.
If someone can’t find it in their heart to forgive you, then there isn’t anything you can do. And if it is over something insignificant, or close to, then maybe they never felt for you the way that you do them. As hard as it is to just walk away, if you have said sorry, you don’t have to keep trying to make it up to them. They will either decide over time that they are okay with it and let it be, or they don’t really need to be in your life.
It is Not Your Job to Make Everyone Around you Happy
If you are like me, you want to see everyone happy. People who overthink tend to be pleasers by nature. I would say that most of my happiness comes from making others happy. Although people like me make great friends, we aren’t always great friends to ourselves.
As hard as it is, you have to remember that it isn’t your job to make everyone okay. Your job is not to neglect yourself and your happiness in an attempt to make others feel good. Looking for happiness outside of yourself is a self-defeating way to live and one that will almost always end in more anxiety and less peace.
Learn Your Triggers
Overthinkers have things that trigger their downward spiral like getting into an argument with someone we care about, feeling isolated, or even just hearing something negative. If you understand what it is that makes your anxiety go overboard then you can have the skills onboard to override the propensity you have to let it eat you alive.
If you know that a silent phone for days on end will make you feel disconnected and worried, make sure to touch base with people in your live sort as a preemptive strike. Only you can change your life and sitting around worry instead of taking action will always keep you stuck in a state of anxiety. Learning tools like exercising or deep breathing when you feel anxious will help you overcome a lot of the negative side of being sensitive.
Deep Breathing Really Does Help
Speaking of deep breathing… When you become anxious, your body has something called the flight or fight response, which releases a hormone called cortisol. Cortisol is what makes your heart race, your hands sweat and gives you a general feeling that something is wrong, even if it isn’t.
Deep breathing is a way to go from your sympathetic nervous system, or high stress system to your sympathetic nervous system. Once you can flush the cortisol from your system by overcoming the rush, the more you can get a grip to see the real situation in front of you and take realistic measures, if you even have to.
Get Your Heart Rate Going
Getting your heart rate going works the same way as deep breathing. When you feel yourself becoming stressed and worried, go for a jog or long walk. It will not only calm things down, it will stop you from acting before you have time to process your feelings without hormones clouding your judgement and forcing you to overreact.
Let the Thoughts Come Just Don’t Accept Them
Just because you have a thought that doesn’t mean you have to accept it and act on it. When a situation presents itself you have two choices, you can act on it, or you can choose to consider it and let it go. You are in control of your emotions, no one else, so allow the negative voices to be there or the anxiety to come, just choose not to let it overcome you or force you to react. Reacting usually leads you down a path of guilt that is worse than the original thing you were worried about.
Choose to be a Better Version of You and Leave the Past in the Past!
Overthinking is a worrier’s nightmare. The more you think about something, the more you twist it, turn it around, and the more likely you are to react negatively to it. It isn’t that you shouldn’t care or that you can even turn it off. You just need to allow thoughts to come in, either accept them or not, and move forward knowing the past is in the past. Good or bad, you can’t undo the past, you can only choose to be a better version of you, apologize if you should, and take steps to find peace — you deserve it!
