Some people are more easygoing than others, but being easygoing and letting things roll off of your back is entirely different from being a pushover. So what is a pushover? It is someone who has no boundaries about what they will take from others. They are the yes men, the people who rarely stick up for themselves. Pushovers are individuals who seemingly have no backbone and will sacrifice themselves for everyone else.
Although it is perfectly fine to be a helpful friend, being the pushover is not a desirable place to be. Not only are you probably making yourself miserable; the people who are steamrolling over you are the very last ones to ever be gracious, thankful, or appreciative. Unfortunately, the more you give, the more those who are so inclined to be selfish will take.
And in the end, it won’t leave you feeling good about yourself or well-liked, because it is an endless road that gets you nowhere but tired, burnt out, and feeling unappreciated – because you are. But take heart, being a pushover is not a permanent condition or something you were born to do. Taking back your life by pushing back is not only easy, it is something that if practiced enough, will come naturally and without guilt at saying “no” to someone.
What is a Pushover? 10 Ways to Stop the Madness and Push Back!
1. Think about what you really want
When someone asks if you want to help them move on Saturday, instead of immediately thinking “sure, I have the day free” stop to consider if you really want to spend your Saturday moving. It isn’t that you shouldn’t help your friends out once in a while, but if you work all week, do you really want to commit your entire Saturday?
Instead of just blanket saying “yes,” think about how you can compromise to do what you want. I’m sure that you would love to help out for an hour, so commit to an hour if you can. That way, your day isn’t a total loss and you are helping out a friend. If you don’t put boundaries on what you do, then there is no way to limit how much you will give.
2. Don’t be a yes man
There is nothing ugly or wrong with the word no. In fact, the people who say no are probably ten times better adjusted and happy than those who refuse to utter it because it just sounds mean. Don’t be anyone’s yes man. Take the initiative to say no to at least one request a week and you will soon gain the confidence to say no at will and when you feel like it – can you imagine? What a freeing feeling!
3. No is enough
Most importantly, when you do say “no” you aren’t obligated to give a whole long list of why you can’t or won’t do something. A simple and clear “no” will suffice. You don’t need to justify not acquiescing to someone else’s request. It isn’t on you to solve and staff the world’s problems. You have only one obligation, and that is to yourself. If you don’t or can’t do something one word is all that you need, not a million excuses, it isn’t anyone’s business why you say no.
4. Don’t go on an apology tour
At first, saying no to people is going to feel very weird, almost unnerving. But the more you do it, the better you will become at it. And it might invoke some anxiety, and perhaps some guilt, after all, you have become accustomed to thinking you can’t let people in your life down by not giving in to everyone’s whims. But you don’t need to feel bad.
Again, it is not your responsibility to take care of everyone. Nor are you on earth to do everyone else’s bidding and to clean up after them. When you do say no, do so without an apology. You don’t have to say “no, sorry I can’t jumpstart your car in zero degrees weather when you have AAA anyway” you simply say “no I can’t”.
5. Say it, repeat, Say it, repeat
One of the biggest reasons that someone who tends to be a pushover gets caught in doing things they don’t want to is because saying yes is their norm. Before you establish yourself as someone who can’t be pushed around, take the time to practice.
And if you know that someone will likely ask you to do or go somewhere you don’t want to, practice saying no and repeat it over and over. You won’t be tempted to say yes if you already have a no mindset. The more you practice saying it, the more likely you will follow through with turning down their request when put on the spot.
6. You hold the power
Often people who tend to allow others to roll over them do so because they feel very powerless in a situation. The thing is, you are just as powerful as the person who is requesting your help, if not more so. So, assert your power and say confidently what you will and won’t do.
If you make things clear and set your boundaries in stone, then there isn’t a way that someone can take advantage of you. You have the right to make decisions for yourself, and only you do, so stop feeling as if you don’t have any options to do what you really want, it is your life and your life alone!
7. Don’t overthink it
If you tend to be an overthinker, then being a pushover comes with a whole lot of anxiety that clouds your judgment. Instead of thinking about all the potential ways that saying no will affect the future and the outcome, dismiss your negative voice. If someone is mad that you couldn’t rise to the occasion or simply put your foot down, that is their problem, not yours.
The only person who can make you feel bad is you. So stop thinking about all the negative consequences of not being what everyone else wants and just consider that a no is simply that, no. If someone doesn’t like it, they are the one with the problem, not you.
8. Try not to be defensive
When you feel like someone is asking you for something and there is the potential that they will not be happy when you don’t go along, it can sometimes be super easy to become defensive to defend what you are doing.
But you don’t have to justify anything. If you become defensive, it will make the whole situation worse. And, inevitably, it will make you feel worse for coming at someone for no reason. Just say no and just let it be.
9. Don’t let it slide
People become accustomed to someone who rarely says no, so the first couple of times you don’t do what they want, it is normal for them to push all of your buttons to make you become the pushover they love and depend on. If you decide that you don’t want to do something, don’t.
No matter how bad their coercion is, or how upset and angry they become, no means no. It doesn’t mean no until you pitch a fit!
10. Draw a line in the sand and refuse to move
Just like going car shopping, you have to know the price you will pay and draw the line. When someone asks you for something, set in your mind what you will and what you won’t do and don’t waiver. Typically, someone will start asking for small things and the demands will increase according to how much you say yes to. Have a clear distinction in your mind what you will and what you won’t do, and don’t ever turn back.
It is sometimes difficult to decipher whether you are just a nice person or if you have crossed over into the pushover category. If you are researching how to stop, my guess is that you have crossed the line where you put other people’s needs and desires before your own.
What is a Pushover – Not you Anymore!
What you need to remember is that you were not put on earth to make everyone else’s life easier or better. You are here to live the one life you are given and to live it to the fullest. If that doesn’t include yielding to the people around you, then stop. If you just say “no” you will be amazed at how quickly people will move on and abuse the next person.
