Mother in laws get a bad reputation, sometimes rightly deserved, sometimes not. But in their defense it is difficult to know where your place is when you son or daughter gets married. Ideally, when a man marries a woman, his mother should no longer hold the prominent number one spot. His wife should always take precedence. But, that doesn’t always happen. And if a man doesn’t put his foot down and establishing some sort of pecking order, it can start to feel like a hen house with too many chickens squawking. If that is where you are at, it is time to draw your line in the sand where the madness stops. These are ten ways to deal with a mother-in-law who has gone full-on monster.
Passive-Aggression Works
I hate to say it but being passive aggressive is one of a woman’s best tactics when it comes to your mother in law. If you are outwardly aggressive, that will be used against you and you will become the hostile one. If you play the game to just the extent that you don’t give in, but don’t push too hard back, then you will win on all fronts. Always try to be nice, but if she is doing everything to push your buttons, try the “bless her heart” plan of attack – yep, that is all passive aggressive talk!
Insist That Your Husband Not Talk About you to her!
I am not out to defend anything that your mother in law does, so don’t misunderstand when I say that a lot of the hardships that wives and mother in laws face stem from the talk of the man who is playing monkey in the middle. If she has a problem with you and you haven’t done anything directly, I would stand to guess that your husband is telling only his side of what is going on in your relationship.
And as a mother if I heard from my son that his wife was being unreasonable and a bitch, then my first instinct would be to protect him and blame her. After all, her allegiance will almost always be with him. So if you want the nastiness and judgmental side of her to back off, tell your husband in no uncertain terms if he to say anything but glowing things about you to her.
Even if he is pissed and upset, hush is the word of choice. You two come first and what goes on in your house, your life and your bed should remain within the privacy to you two only.
Set Clear Boundaries With Your Mother-in-Law
When women get together there is usually a power play not just for the attention of the man they share, but as head of the family. You can let her take the mother in law role, but if she is meddling in your marriage or in your child rearing that is something you need to have a clear discussion about.
There is no reason that she should be able to undermine your rules and expectations for your husband’s behavior and loyalty or your children. It probably will just take one stark talk about where the boundaries lie for things to fall into place. But don’t be a shrinking violet, or she will forever being stealing your sunshine. It is okay and essential for you to stand up to her and tell her where her place in your home and family is.
Don’t Play her Game
One of the hardest things to do as an adult is not to play games with someone who started it. Just like you can use passive aggression in your arsenal, so can she. But it is important that you not get sucked in and play tit for tat.
Take the higher road and be the adult in the situation. Call her out if she is manipulating a situation or taking advantage. My rule of thumb is that if I wouldn’t let my mother get away with it, I sure as hell shouldn’t let anyone else’s mother.
Always Speak With Respect
Now, I know that it is super hard to bite your tongue and not speak with ugliness when dealing with your mother in law. Remember, she does deserve the respect that you want your daughter in law to have with you, when the shoe is on the other foot.
Put yourself in her position and think about what you would do in her shoes. A little empathy goes a long way. You don’t want to stoop to being rude, that won’t get you anywhere or score you any points going forward or with your husband.
Make Your Mother-in-Law Feel Useful
It must be hard for a mother to turn over her job to someone else and to let someone take her place as the woman in her son’s life. The best way to distract some of that sadness and grief is to make her feel useful in your house and in your life.
I know she can be difficult, but telling her how important she is to you, to your children and to your family might take away some of the angst you might be feeling that is making her be so pushy and in your face. If you can calm her nerves about being left behind and losing her status; she will likely find peace in her new role as mother in law and grandmother.
Make the extra effort to invite her to lunch, ask her to make that favorite dish that your husband loves, and compliment her when you can. You might have to do it through clenched teeth, but at least give it a try and see if it will make things any better.
Try and Find Something You Have in Common
Sometimes keeping your friends close and your enemies closer is a good thing. Instead of always being at odds, try to find something that you have in common to make a connection. What you might find is that if you had met her under different circumstances, you two might have been at least friendly.
Give her a chance to get out of her mother in law role and be herself and you might see that the reason you don’t get along so much is because you have very similar personalities. It is true that most men are looking to marry their mom.
That is not a cut down, but whatever good qualities she has, might mirror yours and if you both let your guards down to connect on another level you might just find that you enjoy one another’s company.
If at First You Don’t Succeed Try, Try Again
The problem with having a mother in law doesn’t ever really end if you can’t find a bridge to at a minimum be civil. Take it from someone who has had some difficult times with family. If you detach and end the relationship, it is still going to be there. Andy are not only making your husband choose between you two, you are going to eventually make kids decide, and that is simply not fair.
If you have a falling out or things get said, don’t give up. Just take baby steps and always be the best version of you. If you stay above the fray, speak with respect and always try your best to be a good person then you have to just accept it for what it is and just pray for peace with a woman who might just be hell bent on taking the lower course.
When You Marry Someone You Marry Their Family – Like it Or Not
When a man finds a wife, she becomes the center of his world, or at least that is the ideal. If you are having a hard time finding your role in your daughter in law, mother in law relationship, don’t give up. When you marry someone, you marry their family – like it or not.
And if you just hold your tongue sometimes, be very empathetic, set clear boundaries and continue to try with a smile on your face, you can at least feel good that you are the better person and you did all you could do. As long as you always maintain goodness and respect, then there is nothing else anyone could ask for #BeBetterBeBella.
