I am not the poster girl for absolute honesty. In fact, when my son was in grade school I challenged his teacher who told him that it was always a sin to lie. See, to me, white lies are sometimes necessary to protect people from hurt feelings. Like when I ask someone “does my butt look fat in these jeans…?” I want to hear the truth, I think, but would be crushed if someone said “yes”. There is a difference between those little white lies we tell to stop hurt feelings and those that we tell to protect ourselves. If you have had lying in a relationship, and it was more than “no your butt looks fabulous,” then there are times when your relationship can be saved, and others when it is time to move along.
Lying in a Relationship
There are all sorts of reasons that people lie in a relationship. Sometimes they do it to get what they want, to avoid reprisal, and sometimes it is to cover up things that they have done that would likely lead to their mate saying goodbye. The main thing that all types of mistruths have in common is that they chip away at the trust that two people have in one another.
10 Steps to Finding Peace When There’s Lying in a Relationship
A relationship should to be a safe, open and honest. It should be your emotional compass, your safe-place to vent, and the security that lets you know you have something real. Those things can’t happen if there is no trust in a relationship.
The good news is that there are times when lying in a relationship can be repaired, if you really want things to work. But it won’t be healed overnight and there are steps that you have to take to get through the hurt and betrayal to find a new way to have faith in the one you love. Or, unfortunately, you can get through the process and find that it isn’t possible to healthily continue on.
1. What is it that they are lying to you about?
It is important to question what it is they are lying to you about. If they tell you that they are working late and instead catching a drink with their friends, it might not be something big enough to call it quits. So the first step is to find out what the lie is for – no one lies for just the thrill of lying, unless there is something fundamentally wrong with them. So, before you decide what actions to take it is critical to identify what the lie is – and how serious it is.
2. When you find out about a lie, confront them about it
When you discover a lie, confront them about it. They know that the gig is now up and will have to explain themselves. The key to confronting them is to remain calm and not overreact. If you go at them with gun’s blazing you are going to be met with stonewalling or a reaction that is like force. Once emotions are high and both of you are upset, all healthy communication will break down and you will probably both end up saying and doing things that you will regret.
3. Give them an opportunity to speak their peace
After you have given them the floor to open up to you about what the lie is and their version of it, then really give them the floor. I know how hard it can be when you are upset and hurt to allow them to say what they have to say *especially when you aren’t believing it* but you have to let them finish if you really want an answer.
4. When there is lying in a relationship, stay above it
What they did was inexcusable I am sure. But don’t stoop to the level of low blows about the situation. When you hit hard back, or disrespect them in a way that isn’t conducive, it won’t help the situation. In fact, it will ensure that there is very little way to a talk about it rationally and calmly to get resolution. The uglier you get; the uglier they will become. And even if your trust is tested, there is no sense in showing your worst side because they showed the bad in them.
5. Find your empathetic self
Believe me, I know what it feels like to be betrayed. It is not only upsetting, it is humiliating and that humiliation can quickly turn into anger. But there is a reason why people lie – although I am never excusing it. It is important for you to step back and look at the entire situation. Is there a reason that they lied to you? Why did they feel they had to go without the trust. It doesn’t mean that you have to take responsibility for their lie, it is not your fault that they chose to. But you should at least calmly use empathy to try and see it from their side.
6. It’s your move
The hardest part of the process is deciding what you are going to do about the lie. How are you going to react, what is your next move? If you choose to take them back, that doesn’t mean that you automatically forgive and everything is peachy again. It will take a lot of forgiveness in your heart and some new boundaries to try to rebuild the trust lost. If you choose to move along, move along. But if you choose to take them back, things will have to change.
7. Setting new comfort zones
If you decide to take them back, things will necessary have to be and feel different. You will need, as a team, to come up with new boundaries where you can start to rebuild trust between the two of you. If y’all are going to stay together, they need to realize that lying in a relationship isn’t acceptable, but you have to also figure out what drives the lie and work on fixing the reason they might not have trusted to tell the truth too.
8. Give them some safety
The two of you will have to build a safe zone together where there is open and honest communication about what you both want and need from the relationship. Your partner should always feel safe in telling you the truth without fear of reprisal. In any relationship the truth is always the best road, no matter how uncomfortable, or sometimes painful, it can be.
9. Sometimes things aren’t repairable when there is lying in a relationship
There are times when you love your partner greatly and want to stay, but it just isn’t feasible. If you find that the lie was too painful and you can’t get past it to learn to trust again, then you have to walk away for both your sake and theirs. and if you can’t forgive, don’t feel forced to continue a relationship that you don’t feel safe in. If you tried everything you could to repair the situation, but it isn’t repairable – then you have to accept that it is over and find a way to find peace.
10. Mindfulness going forward
If your partner has admitted their lie and feels remorseful about it, try to resist performing harmful behaviors that will further damage your relationship. Things like obsessively checking their phone or calling or texting them nasty comments to check up on them is not going to improve your trust or theirs. Monitor your own reacts and behavior to make sure that you are being fair too. If you said you forgive them, you have to really forgive them.
11. Keep the talking going!
The lying likely stemmed from something that was going on in the relationship. The only way to get to the heart of what drove your partner to be untruthful with you, is to talk about it. When talking, keep the communication like and non accusatory. If you want to really get to the bottom of your underlying problems, then you have to give them the safety knowing that you are open to hearing what needs to be changed and where things went wrong even if that means admitting that you have done some things too.
12. You only get one shot
Once you give your partner another chance to be the person you need them to be, you are drawing a line in the sand. If they cross that line, it has to be a deal breaker. There is only one time that a person can promise not to do something again that you can believe. If they can’t be truthful after you forgave and put in the energy to save your relationship, then it is time to say goodbye and find someone who is more trustworthy. If your partner can’t be true, you won’t ever find happiness or safety in your relationship. Period.
Lying in a relationship is never a good sign of health. And although you never want to excuse their lie or take the blame for it, if you want to stay together, you might have to examine what led to their mistrustful ways. Open and honest communication is not only the key – it is the only way to repair a relationship and start to build trust again.
