When it comes to relationship statistics and research, one of the biggest predictor of whether a couple stays together for the long-term or if they call it quits, is the way that they fight. Relationship fights should come with barriers and rules, but that doesn’t always mean that people fight fair. Just because you say something in the heat of an argument, that doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t feel it just as if you had said it calmly and rationally.
Relationship Fights – Rules of Engagement
1. It’s over
If you want to make your partner feel insecure and devastated all in one try the “It’s over,” “We’re done,” or “Maybe we should break up card”. The most important thing that a person needs in a relationship is to have trust and feel secure.
If you throw out the potential that your relationship can easily go from love to unloveable, then you can’t ever take it back. And they are phrases that will ruin the trust you have at being in a committed relationship. When children fight, they say things like “we aren’t friends anymore” or “you’re not my sister anymore”.
But that is what children do. You aren’t on the playground, so unless you really mean that you are seriously considering the relationship being over and you are at that point, keep those phrases under wraps. If it is an attempt to hurt your partner, it is doing much more to hurt your relationship than you have any idea.
2. I hate you
Come on, we have all gotten that over the top made to want to blurt out “i hate you”. I hate you is a phrase that comes from a place deep inside where you are beyond frustrated with someone and just want to shut them down and shut them out. If you say it once, however, no matter how many times you follow it up with an “I love you” the hate will always be stuck in the back of their minds.
Hate is the closest emotion to love, which is why it might fly out when you have had literally enough. But hate is also one of the biggest words that you can say to destroy a relationship, and something that you can’t ever unsay – that one sticks and eats away for the long-term.
3. You’re unattractive or your junk isn’t big enough
When you are in love with someone, the goal of your relationship is to show them the not-so-pretty side and to still have them love you regardless if you are a perfect 10 or an imperfect 5.
If you say things like “you’re ugly” or make comments about the size of their parts, that is something that you can’t ever unring. Sure, saying things like “you’re fat” or “you’re being a dick” are hurtful but they are things that a person can change. It doesn’t really say anything about who they are underneath or their essence.
Saying that their male parts aren’t big enough is about the biggest insult you can hurl and one that will forever make them question their manhood. Just don’t say things that will make them see themselves in a different light because you can’t ever remove the lens that you created for them.
4. You don’t do it for me
If we can all be really honest with ourselves, I am sure there have been occasions when you are tired and want to please your partner – and get some sleep. Faking it is a topic that we all deny, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing once in a while. But the key to faking it is that they don’t know you are doing it.
When fighting, the last thing that you ever want to bring into the equation is your sex life – unless it is a true and real issue. And even then, you shouldn’t ever talk about it when you are angry and risk saying something that you can’t take back. When you bring things up that hurt in an argument, they tend to stick and do way more damage that intended.
There are more appropriate times and places to broach your love life satisfaction when it is a real conversation not meant to demean and to degrade. Save the bedroom talk for the bedroom, and it isn’t a good job to bring up super serious and relationship altering dissatisfaction in the heat of a fight.
5. Remember when…bringing up past relationship fights
When you’re together long enough, you both probably have a list of past grievances. The key to a healthy relationship is to talk about the things that hurt you and then to move on past them. And if you say that you accept someone’s apology and forgive them, then you have to mean it.
Bringing up things from the past or a laundry list of all the things that your partner has done to hurt you tells them that they aren’t forgiven and never will be. Why would anyone want to be with someone who holds all of their misgivings in their pocket to hurl out and hurt at will.
And if you throw up something they did in the past, you probably won’t get to the crux of what the problem is in the here and now. Past events just bring up previous pain and muddles what you really should be resolving in the here and now. When arguing or fighting deal only with the issue at hand not a long list of what your mate has done to wrong you in the past.
6. Calm down!
You want to see some real crazy eyes come out? Try telling your partner to calm down or relax when they are really upset about something. When you demean or debase the way they are feeling or try to tell them that being upset isn’t appropriate or warranted you are dismissing their feelings and making them feel stupid for the way that they feel.
Even if you think that your partner is going way over the top and being completely ridiculous, you have an obligation to hear them out and listen to how they feel.
In the end, you might totally think they overdid it and not agree with their ferocity of feelings – but it is not okay to try to belittle their experience. And if you do – trust me their words and reactions will only get louder and more intense.
7. Calling names
There is a difference between telling someone they are behaving like a bitch and saying they are a bitch. Although it might seem like a small technicality, when you say someone is something it is heard a lot differently than when you say they are acting like something. See the difference?
Name calling is a tactic that immature people use to make themselves feel powerful and to put others down to make them feel big. You are no longer a preschooler, so stop behaving like one. It is okay to say “I think that you are being super mean about this,” but it is not okay to say “You’re a super mean bitch”. Calling names is just ridiculous and something you can’t take back – so don’t do it!
8. I don’t love you anymore
Again, similar to I hate you, there are times when someone can make you feel so angry that you begin to question your love for them. But that is a discussion to have at another date.
I don’t love you anymore is not something that you say for affect or just to hurt someone, it means that the love you have for someone has changed in some way.
And to the recipient of that phrase, that can forever alter the way that they feel about the relationship and the bond that you share. Even if after the fact you say you didn’t mean it, trust me that one will stick and never be forgotten!
Take a Deep Breathe and Think Hard Before you Wound
There is virtually no way to live with someone and have a relationship that won’t involve some disagreements or arguments along the way. But when you are in the heat of an argument during relationship fights it is important to take a breath and think hard before you utter words that will eternally wound.
And it is also critical that you stop yourself before saying something you can’t take back! Sure, they are just words, but sticks and stones will break their bones and words resound forever. Since the biggest indicator to whether a relationship remains healthy or not is the way that a couple engages in fighting, disengage before you say something that will create a cancer between the two of you forever.
