When you are with someone for a long time, you just assume that you think alike. But the thing about men and women is that for the most part, we really don’t think or process things the same way. Guys tend to work on a primal level, not really considering much but food, shelter, and well, sex. So, I thought I would write a letter to my husband about what I need and hopefully provide some clarity.
Women, we are over thinkers. We believe it is our job to take care of everyone, to control things, and that if we think it, intuitively, our guy will read our mind. Unfortunately, assuming that your husband has a clue about what you want, whether you are together for a couple of months as husband and wife or decades.
What I have found, in the majority of marriages that I see, is that there is a great discrepancy about what a man thinks his wife craves and what we really do. So, I thought I would take the liberty of speaking for us all. If this doesn’t apply to you, then it might be a good idea to speak up and tell your husband yourself what you want. Being open and honest about our likes, dislikes, fears, and wants is one of the keys to a long-term and healthy relationship… So, here goes.
To my Husband – 9 Things I Secretly Want
Appreciation
As a wife, our internal role drives us to want to build a happy and healthy home and to ensure that everyone needs, both emotionally and physically, are being met. But that is no short order. When your husband is distant or upset, it is hard not to take it personally.
And with all the effort that we put into finding the right dinner to please you, making sure the house is clean, taking care of the day to day things that you might not notice, all we really want is a thank you or even an acknowledgement.
Sure, gifts are nice, but we just want you to see our efforts that might seem insignificant, or might even fall by the wayside, and to know that we don’t do it because we have to; we do it because we want to. And also, we aren’t obligated to, we do it because we love you and just looking around sometimes at how hard we work to keep things rolling along is well appreciated on our end!
A Hug
Research has shown that everyone needs a good bit of physical human contact. Feeling our child’s arms around us or getting a kiss on the cheek from them is glorious. But there are times when stress might be setting off a signal that you read as danger.
But deep down all we really want is for someone to grab hold, hug tight, and just tell us that things are going to be okay. We aren’t looking for you to solve our problems or the problems of the world, but we do want to know that if things go South, you will be there at our side to protect and hold us. And a hug literally says it all.
Acknowledgement
When you walk through the door at the end of the day, your day is over. Quite likely, ours has just begun or has a long way to go. Women don’t really have a clear boundary between being at work and being at home. Even those who work full-time out of the house know that when they come home there are tons of things to do and discuss.
Having a conversation about things that aren’t comfortable is never fun, but ignoring us only makes us louder. You know how a two-year-old will say “mommy, mommy, mommy” over and over and you can block it out for only so long? Then after a while, they get louder and louder and suddenly you are forced to acknowledge it; they are agitated and doing everything possible to push your buttons and be heard?
I am not suggesting that we are two-year-olds, I am suggesting that human nature is such that if you ignore someone for long enough they will get loud, and probably resentful and angry. When I tell you that something is broken ten times you don’t have to fix it in the moment, but merely saying “Okay I hear you need some help” is enough for the madness to stop.
If you think you hate nagging, you can’t even imagine how much we hate saying the same thing over and over and over again. It is maddening. If I say something, I am usually not just saying it to hear myself talk – I am looking for some sign that heard the message.
Spontaneity
I completely understand that your life is the same daily grind as mine. So I spend a lot of time trying to plan to do things out of the ordinary, no matter how small or insignificant. But by the time I arrange the night and plan the logistics of the night out, or weekend away, it is exhausting.
It doesn’t take much to make me smile, maybe just a last minute, let’s meet for dinner or let’s go away for the weekend would be super nice. I know that you already have a lot on your plate and you are as stressed out thinking about all the things that are your responsibility, but something as small as a text in the middle of the day to remind me that you love me, would make a huge difference in my world.
My life is pretty mundane and I think you can admit that I don’t have much “me” time, it is those small surprises that make things so much more bearable and lighten my load more than I can ever tell you.
A Compliment
As a wife and a mother, there are no such things as raises for your achievements. I am not going to climb the corporate ladder of parenthood or wifedom. I really won’t get anything monetary, nor am I expecting it. But when I hear you say “nice job” or even brag about something I did to a friend when we are out, it makes everything worthwhile.
I don’t need constant praise or gratuitous and physical compliments about how I look (although they are nice), I want to hear that you think I am something special, that you still like things about me, and that you are as honored to call me your spouse as I am you.
I know that guys aren’t that into compliments out of the blue, but if you could make a special point to at least point out when I am doing something right or well, that will override all the anxiety about what I am not.
It is hard being a parent and a wife, the drive to be perfect is overwhelming. And I KNOW I am not perfect, but even hearing that you know I am trying is as good as a diamond ring or necklace… I promise.
Forgiveness
We both say we forgive, don’t we? But then what happens when emotions get high and we are in the heat of an argument? We both show that although we said we forgave, maybe we really didn’t or there is some part of us that is holding on to what was said or done.
I know that I have not been a perfect person, or always the wife I set out to be, but there has always been a desire to please you. When I do something to hurt you, I feel a deep obligation to gain your forgiveness. All I secretly want is for you to know that whatever I have done in the past, or ways that I have hurt you, have hurt me too because at the heart of things I just want to be the person that you fell in love with.
I really just want to know that you forgive my misgivings and love me not in spite of them, but because you know that I would never do anything intentional to wound you.
To my Husband – Support is the Key
When I am spouting off about all the things that are in my life and too much for me, I am not asking you to fix them. I know that it sounds like I am and I also know that as my husband you want to make things okay for me through action.
It is difficult to see someone you love upset and not be able to step in and make it right. All I really need is to know that you are on my side. I need to know that you will stand behind me, that you love me no matter what, and that you will be by my side whether things go well or not.
Support for me comes in many forms, a touch on the shoulder, a nod of the head that you understand what I am feeling or at least try, and the reassurance to know that if things do go South and all hell breaks loose you will be there with me in the trenches. Most importantly, I want to know that you have my back in this and know that I will ALWAYS have yours.
Silliness
Remember when we were dating and everything was so light, fresh and new? We could have fun doing nothing at all, and we could always find something to do. Now that life has gotten more complex with the house, the kids, full time jobs, the mortgage, and everything else, there doesn’t seem to be anything fun or silly anymore.
What I really want is to laugh, talk about nothing at all, go on field trips like we used to, and spend the day doing absolutely nothing together. I know that things can’t ever be the way they were, but sometimes I can still get a glimpse of the young boy that I fell in love with.
And I need to know that you can still see the girl in me that used to make your heart soar. I really need you to make me laugh, say things that make me smile, and help me to remember, at least for a small moment, what life was like before it became so damn hard.
To My Husband – Be my Friend
I married you most importantly because you are my friend. Sometimes it can feel like we are more like business partners than true friends. I want you to come to me when you have problems or issues and know that I am always there to bound things off of and that I always care about you and what you are going through.
At the heart of what keeps me loving you is the fact that you are my best friend and I want to continue to share things, not fearing reprisal, just really have heart to hearts, share our dreams and goals and to confide in one another the way that we did when we started. I am never too stressed to take on your burdens, and sometimes I need to share mine, after all, that is what friends are for.
For most guys women are a total mystery, even after being with them for decades. The thing about us is that we are complicated, yet very simple when you understand what really makes us tick.
Don’t get me wrong, a new car, a diamond ring, or a really nice gift will make us smile, but what we really want, you can’t buy. We married you for a reason and those reasons haven’t changed even as our life circumstances and stressors have. What I secretly want is no big secret at all… All I really, really want is you. So, I hope my letter to my husband helps you to make your wife’s life much more rich.
